Friday funnies . . .

If you're getting a bit fed up with pondering on 'the meaning of life, the universe and everything' you might like to consider some of the following philosophical questions I've just received from Sr Anastasia.

I'm surprised to find she has time for such weighty matters as my sources tell me she's currently participating in a national convention on Liturgy and the Eucharist chaired by a certain well-known Archbishop somewhere in the Indian sub-continent - the only woman on the steering committee, no less! Well, I'm impressed anyway.

To more serious matters . . . .

1. Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

5. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

6. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

7. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

8. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

9. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

10. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

13. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

14. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

16. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat chocolate out of your socks?

A bit of light relief - some real 'groaners' for lexophiles . . .

I've mentioned before that I've always been interested in language in one way or another. I know it's not Friday yet but I couldn't resist sharing these real 'groaners' forwarded by Fr Leo.

I challenge anyone to read the whole list without at least one tiny groan escaping from their lips!

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care centre where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

That was part one, and more than enough for most people, I would imagine . . . real gluttons for punishment can scroll down for part two;

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: A jab well done